Not So Simple

Okay so maybe the blog title is a little deceptive as I am finding the changes needed harder to make than I expected. I guess I spent so many years without a complete understanding of what was going on with me that I really don't know how to make effective changes anymore. 

If that doesn't make sense, well, I'm just starting to work it out for myself. One analogy could be with my heartburn and reflux. I've had that since childhood but for years it went untreated because I thought it happened to everyone. As I got older I realized there were things I could take for it and that helped. I used to eat Rolaids like crazy, tried liquids, you name it and there was very temporary relief. Finally I thought to say something to the doctor and started on real medicine for chronic sufferers and that made all the difference. 

It was the same with the sacroiliac joint dysfunction. I made allowances for the 'discomfort' and changed how I stood, when and for how long without realizing there was a reason behind it. My back troubles I have always had as well. It's seems odd when I look back that I didn't realize what was happening. I stopped doing some activities because they caused pain without really understanding what was happening. 

I've become very sedentary over the years; which wasn't the goal. Now I see it. Now I realize what's happened. Now I have to change it. The big question is how. How do I make positive changes and turn chores into habits into something I don't even think about and can just do. 

Before I go anywhere I have to stop and think... will there be someplace I can sit? Not just anywhere but someplace that will keep my back from killing me later. I have to plan an exit strategy if my back starts to grab or give out. If I have to stand too long my hips start to ache, even swaying doesn't offer much relief. My back starts to grab and twist. 

So let's say I've found somewhere to sit or a way to stand at wherever it is I am going. We can now add edema to the mix. Sitting or standing, if my feet stay down, they start to swell, then my ankles on up. it's gotten bad enough that when the swelling goes down, the skin around my ankles starts to pucker like a balloon that's been overfilled and rubber puckers after the air is let out. At one point my legs stayed so swollen that hair stopped growing. A plus for sure but for a very bad reason.

I hope it doesn't take much longer to figure out the formula to make the changes I need. They say recognizing a problem if the first step. Well, I see quite a few. There's a way to make it work.

Too Shocking

Okay, there are some things that are too shocking to be able to digest all at once. I know I'm fat and have been for a long time but when I had someone take head to toe pictures of me from front, side and back I was utterly shocked. 

Frankly, I am still on the fence about whether or not I'm glad I saw them. Teetering on the precipice of depression; seeing something like that will push you over the edge. I haven't slept well for the past couple of days because of it. Talk about being overwhelmed by the task at hand. 

I know I didn't gain all of this in a day, week or month and I know it won't go away quickly but something has to be done. Something other than wishing it away.

These are not pictures I would share. I don't have to guts to put myself out there for the world to see. I will however work toward changing what is captured on camera. I have to. It's not just vanity, it's dangerous healthwise to continue on this way. 

I'm not even going to post a weight at this point. First, I haven't been on a scale. Second, my mind couldn't handle knowing the actual number. So, I will have to rely on how clothes fit and how I feel to measure the changes for now. 

My health issues will make changes harder but not impossible. Writing this out does help, even if no one ever reads it, lol. Stay tuned.

The Epiphany

OMG, I so had to write this as soon as it hit me. An epiphany like no other for me and I have a few duh moments in life. Anyway, you know how people say Karma is a bitch? Well, I so believe in Karma and have seen it happen. It's happened to me before but nothing like this. 

I'm only 45 but have some health issues that are a constant pain to deal with, literally and figuratively. I have compressed and bulging disks in my lower back, degenerative disk disease, sacroiliac joint dysfunction, GERD, edema, to name a few. 

Okay, on to the epiphany, my grandmother had health issues for as long as I remember. It would get frustrating sometimes because it appeared that she didn't try. She didn't make an effort to walk, to dress, to anything. This all happened while I was growing up so I wasn't privy to all the details. After she passed away, we ended up with some of her medical records and in them I found where the doctor noted as far back as 1976 that they were unable to locate a pedal pulse on her. 

She had heart disease, diabetes, circulation problems, edema, and I don't know what all else. I remember thinking at the time that in 1976 when they couldn't find a pedal pulse, she should have done something about it. Walked or something to get the circulation going into her legs and feet. She spent a lot of times in skilled care for open sores on her legs from the diabetes. I couldn't help but think if her circulation was better it wouldn't have been a problem, or as big of a problem. 

Now, I have problems with edema and have been told that I'm not getting enough oxygen in the blood for circulation in my back. So logically I need to start walking or working out in some way to get the circulation going. With my back in the shape it's in, working out is damned near impossible. Even walking, most days, is a challenge. 

So Karma got me good. I thought my grandmother should have done more and now I'm being shown that doing more can be all but impossible. It's not over yet. I'll figure this out. I have to wonder though when people dislike certain things about parents and grandparents and vow never to be like that. When they turn out like their parents or grandparents, is that Karma showing them how it is?

Working Through It

Not as easy as I thought to implement change. I'm not sure if I'm just stuck in a rut or what other reasons there could be that I haven't made any progress. I know it's bad when I make deals with myself. Just another 15 minutes then I will (fill in blank). An hour later and I still haven't done whatever it was I needed to do. 

It's going to happen. Just not as rapidly as I expected. I think too much about things. I get overwhelmed by going over and over everything that needs done. Somehow it takes the wind out of my sails. 

If you picture a teeter totter and your goal is getting it to balance. On one end if everything you need to get done. It's very heavy and firmly on the ground. The only way to lighten that load and get the end off the ground is to complete some of the tasks so they move to the other end of the teeter totter. The problem is you are buried with the mess at the lower end and have to dig out and climb to the center so you have room to work and start achieving a balance. 

Each day more adds to the lower end making it harder and more frustrating to climb out from under it. It seems like the harder you try to just make it to the middle so you can start, the more ground you lose. At some point you end up stuck, unable to move, buried with no idea how to change the routine. 

This would be where I am currently. I've got to change it. No matter how small of a change. Something that can just relieve a bit of pressure then move on to the next step. I didn't get buried in a day. I won't dig out in a day either.

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

The who is easy. Me. 
What? Is the promise I am making to myself to make the changes needed
When? Starting today and continuing indefinitely
Where? In my heart and mind, permanent and positive
Why? It is so far past time for these changes. Hopefully not too far.
How? Keeping this blog is one how, keeping promises to myself another, making an effort every day.

Getting Started

I honestly don't know if anyone but me will ever see this. So much useful information on the internet; this probably doesn't qualify. I considered doing this offline but I know me well enough to know, I won't finish it that way. I'm not really positive that I will finish this with it being published but you never know.

I also considered doing this under my pen name but that seemed like a cop out. I am who I am. Hiding is one of the things that I do best. Staying in the background, not speaking up, trying to be invisible.I never use a full face picture. Don't care for it. Part of the change to have one here.

Most of the time I choke down my thoughts, opinions, feelings to keep a certain level of peace. So far, everyone seems to be happy with that. I'm not anymore.

There are so many things I would go back and change if I could. Since I cannot do that, I can work on changing my present and my future. Starting today. Now. It's past time and that's what I need to do. Have to do.